3 Things Your ADHD Friend Wants You to Know. (part 1)
Chances are you have a few people in your life who have ADHD. You probably can already tell who they are. They have so many wonderful qualities that you love and that’s why they are in your life to begin with. They also have some qualities that drive you bat shit crazy, but hey we all have our things right? Here are just three things that your ADHD buddy wants you to know.
1.) They actually want to do the thing.
Most often when they say they want to do something and then don’t do that thing it’s not because they are lying about it or being obstinate. I can understand to the outsider how it would seem that way but for your friend, they actually really want to do that thing, but they struggle to do it. You see, ADHD is not a problem of knowing what to do. It’s a problem of doing what you know. It’s a performance disorder and no one is more frustrated by this than the person with ADHD. Trust me.
2.) They don’t need to be told over and over again what to do.
This pattern often plays out most with parents and their children. But personally I still experience this as an adult with others constantly reminding me to do things that I am well aware of needing to be done. Being told what to do over and over again is irritating and can be felt demeaning. It can send a message of “You must be stupid because you can’t seem to remember what to do so I am going to have to say it over and over and over again until we are both upset. Just do it already!” Remember, here again, it's not a disorder of knowing what to do, it’s doing what you know. So be mindful of your words and the way you are communicating with your ADHD friend or child. For children it's often better to show them visually or do it with them then to constantly nag them about doing it.
3.) They’re not lazy. They’re stuck.
The word lazy by basic definition means to be “unwilling”. When people with ADHD are labeled as being “lazy” it can be extremely damaging because they are often not unwilling to do the task. They desperately want to be able to just do the task. They want to do the work. They crave just doing the work. And they themselves don’t understand why it is so hard to do it. But it is. As someone with ADHD I can tell you first hand that you feel trapped within your own mind and body. It’s like your feet are cemented down in a bucket and you can see a tiger in the distance coming at you. It’s extremely dysregulating and stressful. When we are dysregulated we procrastinate. Procrastination is a coping mechanism. We procrastinate as a way to attempt to regulate our nervous system and feel better. If someone is in a hole of procrastination they are stuck. They don’t need to be yelled at from above outside the hole. “Just climb out and stop being lazy.” They need a ladder lowered down into the hole. Rung by rung they can start to climb out.
Trying to understand the people in your life with ADHD better does not mean that it’s your job to “do it” for them. We don’t want you to. But, it does mean that you care enough about them to be aware, understanding and patient. Even just that simple act can mean all the difference to them.
Happy ADHDing!